New Jersey women have the highest median income in the country -- $25,119 -- 32 percent higher than the national average.
	— Source: Census 2000

Nina Rossi thought making some extra money would be a good thing.

"It is, in fact, the root of all evil, like they say," the 39-year-old Jersey City resident insists, chuckling at first, then getting serious. "Money is one of the main things my husband and I fight about -- especially now that I make more than he does.

"He likes having more money around, but not really under these circumstances. I don't have to go to him to buy what I want anymore, and I know he doesn't like that."

Rossi owns a "lucrative" New York restaurant with a friend who put a planned career as an attorney on hold. Girlfriends from college and both good cooks, the two women decided they wanted to work for themselves and opened the Italian eatery last year.

"I'm enjoying what I'm doing, but I think my husband would prefer I not work at all at this point," Rossi says. "Life was less volatile when we lived on his accountant's salary and I'd do some work here and there in public relations. Men can be pretty insecure." She adds, "Bringing home the bacon is fine for women as long as they're not bringing home two pounds and the man is bringing home one pound."

Rossi's husband declined to have his first name revealed or to tell his side of the story -- tersely saying that he didn't feel comfortable publicly talking about "not being the major breadwinner people think I'm supposed to be."

But he's far from alone in earning less than his wife -- or in being uncomfortable about discussing it. More and more working women in America are earning more than their husbands, according to the California-based authors of the recently published book, "The New Couple: Why the Old Rules Don't Work and What Does" (HarperCollins, $25, hardcover).

And many couples are finding their new situation requires a lot of adjustment, even if they accept other contemporary concepts. They're finding this trend is not only redefining the traditional ideas of marriage and "breadwinner," it can tip the scale of household power and create an uneasy imbalance.

"One in three working wives now makes more than her husband -- that's up from one in five in 1980," says Maurice Taylor, who co-authored the couples book with his wife, Seana McGee. He notes the findings are those of the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. The couple discussed the new trend during a telephone interview from California.

With more and more women entering the work force over the last 30 years, Taylor says, "Women are really going for it and we're seeing the effects of the women's movement." He adds that trying to conform only to the traditional breadwinner and stay-at-home roles today is "self-destructive."

Taylor explains that women still make only about 70 percent of every dollar men earn at the same job, but he adds, "There are more women getting university degrees and there are shifts in the balance of power when women are making more money."

Roseland psychologist and marriage counselor Ann Stainton says it also has a lot to do with expanded oportunities for women.

"In my practice, I see women who have chosen occupations that happen to pay more, like investment advising. The other person (in the relationship) is a fully functioning professional, but some careers pay more than others."

Livingston marriage counselor and family therapist Marcella Sabo adds, "Women suddenly realized they are smart, and why not work to their capacity and make more than men?"

Also, says Stainton, factors like a husband going back to school, layoffs and illness can result in the wife ending up earning more. "It does change the balance of power in the relationship. Money is often equated with power in our society."

Taylor agrees.

"Of couse, the power's going to be shifting," he says. "Men often get a big sense of their identity from their source of income -- men get conditional self-esteem from their position in the workplace. This is putting a whole generation of men into self-esteem and identity crisis, with their wives more successful than them in the workplace."

McGee adds, "As we evolve psychologically, there are outer demons telling men to be shameful unless they're the primary breadwinners. But it's becoming politically incorrect to have that point of view. There's a rebalancing of power when women become the primary breadwinner and we (all) have to come clean with ourselves."

Women also have traditional "demons" haunting them when they earn more than their husbands, the 46-year-old McGee says. "Inside, there's a little bit of the Cinderella complex -- the child part of us is conditioned to believe we should be taken care of.".

"As a result," says Taylor, "very subtle resentments tend to build (in these wives) toward their sweethearts."

Other problems can arise if the woman handles her main breadwinner role as a weapon against her husband.

"We (also) find a new phenomenon happening with women -- especially if the husband is trying to be successful, but isn't having a good time of it," says Taylor. "(Successful ) women will try to do everything around the house to make up for it."

Taylor and McGee, both psychotherapists specializing in couples counseling, have been married 10 years and say they speak from personal, as well as professional, experience when they talk about the challenges couples can face when the wife has more money than her spouse.

"We did have a financial imbalance," Taylor, 41, explains. "Seana inherited a significant pile of money upon her mother's death and it did grate on my enlightened philosophical ideas. I felt slightly inadequate that I couldn't make that same contribution. My way to make up for that was to take over the management (of the finances) for New Couple, Int'l (a Sausalito-based seminar and lecture organization for which the couple are founding directors)."

"It was really a relief to me because I didn't want the hassle of that," says McGee.

Albert, who did not want his real name used, suddenly found himself financially eclipsed by his wife about a year ago. He sold his retail business and had trouble finding another job, not just because of his age (57) but because he had been his own boss for years. Many prospective employers said he could therefore not offer an objective evaluation of his job performance, but he ended up getting a job as a real estate broker.

His wife of 23 years is a Newark school teacher who describes her salary as "at the top of the scale" for that district.

"I was raised with the idea that the man was supposed to be the breadwinner in the house," says Albert. So it took a while for him to get used to the idea of his wife earning more. "It works out fine now," he says. "I don't know if it would be okay if I was younger . . . I just don't know."

One thing he knows is he's not going to let it get the best of him at this point in their longtime relationship.

"It's not worth arguing about money. You pick your battles," he adds.

His wife agrees that her making more is not something the Cranford couple should be concerned about.

"It doesn't bother me," she says, noting she noticed it seemed to bother her husband at least a little. "My mother went out and worked, but Albert's mother never worked. I see it as a lot less stress for him (not having to get out and find a job that pays more). In this economy, and at his age, it wasn't going to be easy for him to get something else. We have very good health benefits and that was what was most important to me. The name of the game is not salary, but benefits."

The couple, who own a home in Cranford, have one son.

"We have three people, and three cars and three computers," says Albert's wife. "Everybody's happy. Albert always made two or three times more than what I made. Now he doesn't. Who the hell cares?"

Stainton says there are probably a lot of men who welcome some help with the finances -- and will gladly transfer the power in the household to their wives if that's what it takes.

"Men, as the (traditional) higher wage earner, can feel a tremendous burden and it can take the stress off (when their wife earns more)," she adds. "Men can resent the fact that they bear that burden."

Marcella Sabo says, "In the old days, there was a hell of a lot of responsibility put on males."

Despite the changing times, Sabo adds that something as simple as age, education and ethnic background might determine how well couples can adapt to changing the breadwinner tradition.

"I see problems with men who are Mediterranean and Spanish -- they might have tremendous difficulty married to their financial equal or better. Their sense of machismo is threatened," Sabo says.

Older men are used to following the model of their parents, with the husband going out to work and the woman staying home with the kids, Sabo adds. \

"Among the better-educated it's probably a non-issue," she says. "In the laboring class, it's probably a big issue across the board. They still cling to the old ways."

© 2001 The Star-Ledger. Used by NJ.com with permission.
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