SANTA BARBARA NEWS-PRESS April 17, 2001 Revising the Rules by Marilyn McMahon NEWS-PRESS STAFF WRITER

Why is it that we accept the learning curve about many areas of life, but when it comes to relationships, we rely on instinct? Why are we convinced that love conquers all -- if we're really, really in love, we don't need to learn anymore to keep the relationship healthy?

Seana McGee and Maurice Taylor challenge this traditional concept and feel it's time that people realize they have to be educated about "the realm of intimate relationships. We are hitting bottom with traditional ideas of marriage. The traditional relationship model has been obsolete for generations."

As evidence, they point out that 50 percent of American marriages end in divorce, and among those that survive, few of the couples are truly happy.

McGee and Taylor, who are married, are convinced they have the solution for a successful relationship. It's outlined in their recently published book, "The New Couple: Why the Old Rules Don't Work and What Does" (HarperCollins Publishers, 2000). They will be at Borders in downtown Santa Barbara on Thursday to discuss and sign the book, based on their own marital experience and knowledge as family therapists and couples counselors.

"It's the relationship handbook we all should have received when we came of age," said McGee, a former Santa Barbara resident, during a telephone interview from the couple's home in Sausalito.

The New Couple are aware that relationships develop in three stages: intoxication, power struggle and co-creativity, according to the couple, who prefer the word intoxication rather than infatuation.

"Intoxication can last anywhere from two weeks to two years," McGee said. "Unfortunately, traditional couples think intoxication is going to last forever, and our popular culture fans the flames. When it is finally over, the couple think they have fallen out of love. Instead, it could simply mean that the relationship has moved to another stage."

The power struggle results when the partners unconsciously try to compensate for deficits in their childhood.

"For example, if the woman's father didn't have time for her when she was a child, she may become demanding and needy with her partner," Taylor said. "On the other hand, the man's mother may have been overly protective and suffocating, so he wants his space. The good news is that the power struggle is just a phase -- something we all go through, like the terrible twos and adolescence."

As the couple resolve the power struggle, they move into the third phase, co-creativity, which means partners have mastered relationship skills with the help of "The Ten New Laws of Love," on which the book is based.

Briefly defined, they are as follows:

• Chemistry: The special energy between partners.
• Priority: The commitment to keep that energy alive.
• Emotional integrity: The commitment to keep the couple as an "emotional safe zone."
• Deep listening: Hearing each other straight from the heart.
• Equality: Self-respect and fairness between partners.
• Peacemaking: The commitment to keep the peace and restore trust every time it is broken between partners.
• Self-love: Recognizing childhood issues within the relationship and accepting ourselves no matter what.
• Mission in life: Discovering and fulfilling our life purpose and making sure our partner does, too.
• Walking: Feeling emotionally and financially independent enough to leave the relationship.
• Transformational education: Seeking outside help when needed.
  

"Chemistry is the only law that can't be taught," Taylor said. "If the couple don't have chemistry, they won't be inspired to learn the other skills. Their bodies have to love each other, and their minds have to be compatible, too. The other nine laws will help couples preserve this chemistry through the power struggle phase so they can get to co-creativity as soon as possible."

Why are McGee and Taylor so sure that the laws will work? They point to their own experience: After 12 years as husband and wife, "we still have a fabulous sexual and emotional connection."

But when they met, they were determined to avoid marriage. Both were studying for their masters' degrees in counseling psychology at the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco.

Both were "scared single" after several long-term relationships or "serial monogamy."

"I was not interested in marriage. I was so decimated from a previous relationship," said McGee. "I didn't believe in soul mates."

Both were bitterly disillusioned by their original career choices. McGee, who graduated from Boston University with a degree in journalism, had hoped to be a press attach» at the United Nations in New York City.

"I worked there for several months and saw how much infighting went on. I was devastated. I thought if there was going to be peace on the planet, it should certainly start with the U.

N. I had a career identity crisis," she said.

McGee returned to the West Coast for graduate work because she had lived in Santa Barbara for six years. From 1981 to 1987, she was marketing director for Bank of Montecito, now Montecito Bank & Trust. Her brother, Rob McGee, teaches special education at Santa Barbara City College.

A native of Santa Cruz, Taylor grew up in a family that was grooming him for a life in politics.

"I loved the idea. When I was 18, I went to Washington, D.C., as a summer intern for Leon Panetta, who was then a congressman for the 16th Congressional District," Taylor said. "I quickly became disillusioned with the acrimony in politics. It's a war. I was very naive. I thought the salvation of the planet was through institutions like government."

Taylor returned to California and earned his bachelor's degree in political philosophy from UC Santa Cruz after which he went to the California Institute of Integral Studies.

Fellow students in family therapy class, McGee and Taylor became acquainted and found they shared similar values.

"We both wanted to save the world," McGee said.

Two years later, the couple were married.

They still want to save the world and are convinced that New Couples can play a key role in this effort.

"What better way to save the planet than if we focus on educating couples and stabilizing them before they have children?" asked McGee.

"The state of the world is reflected in the state of modern couples," added Taylor. "Functional couples have functional children."