Any way you look at it, weddings are all about family – and in the process of joining yours with his, you’re bound to run into some pretty interesting personal dynamics. More likely than not, you’ve already discovered the not-so-subtle contrasts between your families in both simple and complex ways.

With that in mind, Elegant Bride invited couples counselors Seana McGee, M.A., and Maurice Taylor, M.A., a married couple and founding directors of NewCouple, International, to share problems and solutions from their counseling sessions as you venture into the wild and wonderful world of married life.

Here, McGee and Taylor are meeting with Claire and Daniel (not their real names), an engaged couple in their late 20s. They are obviously very much in love, but have decided to seek counseling because Claire is having trouble dealing with Daniel's mother about their wedding plans.

SHE SAID:
Naturally, I was thrilled when we made the decision to get married. I never knew I could experience so much chemistry with a man – not just the romantic kind either. He is such a good guy. I just trust him implicitly. But the moment we started discussing the actual details of the wedding, a knot formed in my stomach. I realize it sounds terribly cliché, but it feels like, well, High Noon — and this marriage just isn’t big enough for both Daniel’s mother and me! He denies it up and down but deep inside we both know I’m not exactly her favorite person in the world. She tries to be nice to me but it all feels so strained. And then there was that time recently when I went into her guestroom and found ...

HE SAID:
Oh hon, why go there? Mom didn’t mean any harm by that.

SHE SAID:
I found a framed photo of him and his very sexy last girlfriend at the beach! How am I supposed to interpret that? We’d already been engaged for almost a year! I think she wishes you were marrying her right now instead of me!

HE SAID:
She did have a special relationship with Mona. But the point was — and is — I didn’t. Mom knew I wasn’t serious about her. And you know I’m crazy about you. (Speaking to McGee and Taylor) We’re here because Claire is having a hard time dealing with my mother about our wedding plans. Mom is very persnickety about details. To tell the truth, she’s always been a bit of a control freak. So anyway, here we were having brunch with her last week when Claire brought up the idea of serving Cajun appetizers at the wedding banquet. My mother wasn’t very diplomatic in expressing her opinion.

SHE SAID:
I’ll say. She sighed and then rolled her eyes as though I had no taste at all! That cut me to the core — and I’m still stinging.

HE SAID:
So that’s it! I thought you were upset because you thought my mother was trying to dictate the menu. I had no idea that you felt insulted. This is another reason we came to see you two. I can never really be sure what’s wrong with her. She just clams up, leaving me to guess what’s going on. It’s exactly what my father used to do to my mother.

SHE SAID:
Well she does want to control the catering. And that insults me, too. How are we ever going to get this wedding off the ground when my fiancé’s mother doesn’t even like me?

HE SAID:
You’ve never been through a divorce, Claire. Your parents are still together after 30 years. I realize it was 16 years ago, but my mother was a wreck when Dad left. She hasn’t remarried; I guess she’s never completely recovered. So I just cut her lots of slack. Hasn’t she’s been through enough? I don’t see why Claire can’t play along with this for a bit. We’re moving to the West Coast right after the honeymoon anyway.

THE EXPERTS SAID:
We applaud Daniel and Claire for “catching the thief at the doorstep” and consulting us when they did. Not only was it early on in the planning stages of the big day, but also right at that delicate point of the relationship when partners imperceptibly pass from the sometimes delirious “intoxication” stage of relationship into the sometimes disconcerting second one called the “power struggle.” Translation: Our blind spots show up and our buttons get pushed. The only effective way to deal with these inevitable bumps in the road — and to keep them from mutating into major roadblocks — is by applying our brains to our hearts and getting a few skills under our respective belts. Again, the earlier the better

SPEAK. LISTEN. RESOLVE.
Relationship skills (we need only three) are the best insurance savvy couples can invest in; we put them right up there with auto, home and life. They’re invaluable in helping us surf the choppy waters of the power struggle and enable us to head with confidence toward the final glorious stage of relationship, “co-creativity,” which we believe is every couple’s birthright. And we’re not talking rocket science here — simply about learning to speak the language of the heart (i.e., know what we’re feeling and be able to say it), “deeply” listen (for feelings as well as words) and resolve conflict (our tool, the “Path to Peace,” dissolves most in 10 minutes). And here’s the most elegant advice: We do this while our chemistry is still on high boil and before knowing such skills becomes life-or-death.

The first glitch for which Claire and Daniel would need these skills was none other than the infamous In-law Problem. Like many of us who have survived a parental divorce, Daniel was super-committed to building a healthy marriage, even when it meant rethinking other key relationships. And, while it would be a losing proposition — and actually none of this couple’s business — to attempt to change Daniel’s mother’s behavior, when we sign a covenant of love, it does require we be willing, to some degree, to vacate “the nest.”

PUT YOUR SPOUSE FIRST
In other words, though our loyalty and love for the people who raised us will most likely go on forever, as spouses we must be willing to make each other’s emotional well-being a real priority. And, if ever we are to truly enjoy our “second family,” we need to (oh-so-lovingly) cut the apron strings and cast our lot with our mate in earnest. Then, as our relationship becomes healthily prioritized, we find that, like true grown-ups, we’re no longer ruled by the need for our first family’s approval, preoccupied with not angering them or worried about sheltering them from their own insecurities.

Daniel was so worried about hurting his mother’s feelings that even though he agreed her behavior toward his beloved was rude, he made excuses for her — even tried to guilt-trip Claire into doing the same! In his mind, the problem was essentially hers: It was her job to “fix” the way she was with his mother. No wonder his fiancée felt manipulated, invalidated and, naturally, deprioritized! The fact is this is a classic couple issue, one pointing to the need for a bit of relationship education (in this case, the recognition of Daniel’s over-involvement with his mother), plus relationship skills to sort it out.

Daniel heaved a big sigh of relief once we reassured him that working things out with his mother would not necessarily involve him confronting her. Then it was easy for him to empathize with Claire, to return to the best friend he’d always been and to listen to her — “truly, madly” and, above all, “deeply,” just as he’d done during their courtship as effortlessly as breathing.

REMEMBER TO SHARE
Opening up was a definite upgrade from Claire’s former modus operandi, namely, the silent treatment. Many of us go stony on each other in the name of peace. And while at the end of the day, it probably is nobler than throwing plates, over time these seemingly sane silences will put your passion in the deep freeze. And “the treatment” always means one thing: “I’m angry/hurt/frightened and don’t know how to tell you or what to do about it.” (In other words: “We both need relationship skills!”) But this time she was able to share the contents of her heart with him because he’d been listening to her with his.

And so Claire repaid the gesture, with happy results. Because she deeply listened to him, Daniel got a load off of his chest. He revealed how he’d long walked on eggshells to help mend his mother’s broken heart and how he now saw this as a clear case of over-responsibility. Finally, Daniel expressed remorse over the insensitivity toward Claire this blind spot with his mother had caused.

STRATEGIZE FOR SUCCESS
So what was this couple able to take home? Without a doubt, a solid strategy for the in-law issue: Daniel agreed to act as a buffer between his mother and fiancée whenever possible throughout the planning of the wedding. He’d return her phone calls and, if at all possible, be present when they met. The couple also committed to weekly “Sessions” to keep the air clear throughout this thrilling yet stressful pre-ceremony time.

Of course, Claire and Daniel will also long enjoy the silver lining around this early relationship dark cloud. Now, when it comes up, he’ll continue to practice off-loading that burdensome guilt over his mother’s divorce that he never deserved. Claire can revel in the experience of being emotionally prioritized and yes, protected, by the man with whom she’s to spend her life.

Most important, this smart couple now knows the basics for keeping their precious chemistry alive: They can recreate the kind of “emotional safe zone” they enjoyed in our office at home starting with the powerful knowledge that all feelings — be they good, bad or even pretty uncomfortable — are still absolutely valid. They’ll prize their friendship by insisting on fairness for all, whatever the sticking point. And finally, as Daniel and Claire keep honing those trusty relationship skills — speak their emotional truth and listen to each other from the heart — the future of this ultra-modern pair will be as shiny and bright as the gold bands they’re soon to exchange.

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